overall winner

Seems like the garden has won out on all the other activities. I have no time to write or paint and now Wandadoo has erased all my e-mails and my e-mail addresses. gardening keeps me sane whilst computering drives me mad. Is there a word to compute which does not mean doing sums?
Last week I visited three exhibitions/gardens. now my head is reeling with ideas for the garden and paintings and sculptures.

identity

I have been experimenting with pseudonymns. Twice before in mylife I changed my name.
The first time was when I was at college. At that time I hated my first name so I swopped to my middle name and shortened it. After college I reverted because I returned to my home town and everyone continued to call me by my original name.
When I started to write I hated both of my names so chose a new pseudonym completely.
I liked the name but when my mail arrived bearing this chosen name I didn't recognise myself.
I gradually let it drop.
Now in cyberspace I have experimented with so many names I forget them and the passwords which go with them. I thoroughly enjoy making up these alter egos but forget to record them.
Does this mean that I do not know who I am? Or just that I am trying to discover my real self?
Will I ever grow into my given name? Do I want to? will I find a self with whom I am comfortable?

crosswords/passwords

I now have 3 blogs. My first one http:/wildwomenwrite.blogspot.com which I can no longer log into for some reason. Then I set up this one and thought I was going well when I forgot the password. Next I set up yet a third just to yell into cyber space about google. Low and behold I found a note on the wall of my office with name and password for this blog.
so now i am convinced of my downward fall into madness. But I still blame it on computers in general - Wanadoo, Microsoft and Google in particular.
Will I ever get to writing about my life here and thoughts and feelings? Not to mention my novel. And what about all the paintings that are floating about in my head? I have to live to be 200 to get it all done? Did I mention the garden? No? Now see the grass is growing even as I type this and the weeds of course. When will I get around to the water feature I started to create and the found-wood sculpture area. The stone circle remains an idea in my head.
Perhaps it is not cyberspace that is driving me insane. Perhaps it is head space or more precisely lack of head space.

busy,busy.busy

I feel like the White Rabbit. I am always in a hurry and no matter how many jobs I do there are always more at the end of the day than at the beginning. I should consider myself lucky that I am never bored. I am just greedy for time which is silly because we all have the same number of hours in a day and it remains constant. So I'm off to do job no. five on the list in my head which has ---let me see-- 100, a 1,000, no more like an infinite number on it. Still as my friend Pat used to say when you finish them all you die. Guess I'm going to live forever then!!!!!!!!!

The exercise

I took the exercise from www.writespace.co.uk .
Make a list of words using the letters of your first name and as the initial letters of each word.
Use the words to write the first part of a story.
Do the same thing with your second name and write the second half of the story.

Second part of exercise

But. There is always a but isn't there? Well this time I am going to ignore all the buts. The but that says ,'You are too old.' And the one that says, ' You haven't got that much money.'
and 'You're afraid of flying.' All of them I'll get round them. Oh yeah and how will you get round your fear of needles?You'll have to have injections to go to almost any where in Africa.
Keep at it girl. That's how you got where you are today by being tenacious.
If you are going to get all emotional about it get angry. That is an emotion that you can use. Anger can be useful energy. Depression just pruduces inertia.
Right then here we go. It's a bloody disgrace that all these children are being left without carers. We need to get help to them. In fact I can probably be more help from here than if I went out there in the heat. I would just get in the way.
So find out which of the charities helps AIDS orphans and ask them what they need. Or better still finance someone who can go out there and help. What about raising money for just that. Or even financing a foster system of some kind. It is mandatory that you first of all finance someone to go on a fact finding mission. Then maybe you will have some answers. Who says there is no solution?

Inspiration

The following is an exercise from Vanda Inman's website.
Are any of us really free? What is freedom? What do we mean when we talk about freedom? Do we mean freedom from hunger or violence or poverty or work or worry or even ----
Years ago I escaped from a violent marriage and I worked for years to free myself from poverty in old age. Now the question is what do I do with this so called freedom?
I even have time to choose how to spend my time each day. But am I happy? What do you think?
I agonise about my comfort. I look at the rest of the war-torn world and feel guilty. Then I agonise about what I can do about it. Do I send money to good causes, do I offer to help in a charity shop, do I offer my services as a volunteer in an old peoples home, am I too old for voluntary work overseas? Haven't I earned a peaceful retirement? Too many questions and no answers.
Then reality strikes and my past catches up with me. I get a phone call from the adoption organisation who have news of my son who was adopted 30 years ago. They tell me the good news first. They have found his parents (adoptive that is). Now sit down for the bad news.
He died 11 years ago. he died from AIDS and yes he was gay.
Well what are you going to do when you have stopped crying? The media tells us that the evidence coming from Africa is that it is getting worse and people are dieing for lack of drugs. Babies are being left without parents. Thousands of babies are being left with no-one to care for them. So here is your answer. Make a decision and do something about it. But what can I do?
One person and we talk about Africa as if it is a tiny country. It's not a country. It is an enormous continent of fifty one countries. Where on earth do I begin?
You can begin by collecting information from charities and organisations already in the field. Then perhaps you will find some one who perhaps can advise you.

Indecision

I seem to have made friends with my old enemy TIME and developed a new enemy in indecision. It starts every morning with shall I have tea or coffee then moves on to shall I write, paint, garden or go out. I could go swimming or dancing or playing music or visiting my French neighbours. If the weather is bad it helps somewhat because then that cuts out gardening.
Notice that there are two activities missing from the list- cooking and housework-make that three and shopping. These are all things I only do if I really have to. I cook sometimes because I have to eat. I eat raw food if poss or go out to a local restaurant. There are at least nine which are only ten minutes away and charge 9 euros for a five course meal including wine or cider. The problem then is that it takes time to eat 5 courses and I am always tempted to drink some of the wine and then I have trouble staying awake to do some of the things I can't decide which to do.

Blogger's block

I haven't had much inclination to write since I set up this new blog. Although the weather is quite foul I have thoroughly enjoyed the Bank Holiday weekend. last week I bought to new filing cabinets and I have spent two days reorganising my office and filing away papers. It's obviously more to do with reorganising my head than anything else and I love finding old posters and articles that I had forgotten about. Now the sun has come out so I shall brave the wind and do some reorganinsing outside.

AND

And I am trying to finish filling in my tax forms.

the morning after

Not alcohol -- gardening. I am so tired today. I keep making resolutions which turn out to be totally unworkable. Maybe it's getting older that is the problem. Or do I expect to do too much?
Breton dancing tonight, St MaloThallo tomorrow and concert tomorrow evening, Music Festival Sunday, and it is bank holiday on Monday so I expect there will be lots happening then.
Will I ever learn to prioritise?

Gardening

I finally made it into the garden again this evening. I was strimming the grass and watching the setting sun which was firery red. aat the same time the moon was rising over the lime tree.
Surely what Maslow would call a peak experience. Why is there no spell check on blog posts?

Last Chance

I lost two posts last night if I loose this I shall try to find a new blog site. Google is supposed to save immediately!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After London

When I arrived back in Brittany I could barely see the house, the grass had grown so high. I spent three or four days working in the garden and forgetting to go to my Breton Dance class and also the Bal in my local Salle de Fete. I did manage to catch the last day of the four day Clarinet Festival. The music was really of the wall, very avant garde. I was amazed to hear and see a 50 strong clarinet choir of children,teenagers and adults playing this stuff; all reading music. I regret not going to look at the score. I would love to know how it was written.
I saw a violin with a kind of bell attached to it. Phil said it was a violophone. I didn't know that they used to be quite popular. We were lucky with the weather as it simply 'issed down all the way home.
Yesterday was the writing group which I set up in Jan. I decided after the last meeting that it was no longer for me. I have been in many writing groups over the last 20 odd years but always women's groups. I thought perhaps I had changed enough to cope with a mixed group but have decided that women and men write generally for fundamentally different reasons. Anyway I felt that I could not read any of my auto-biography in a mixed group. It would be hard enough in an all women's group.
Now that I am back on line. I want to set up a website. My next task is to find someone who knows how to do it. There was an ad in Writers' Forum from someone who sets up sites specifically for writers. I may contact the young woman who lives in Collinee.,

still in London

Two of my best friends came down for the day to see me and to see the photo exhibition in the National Portrait Gallery of women writers. It was a little disappointing in one respect as it was so small. I imagined that it would have been much, much bigger. We had to walk through a labyrinth of other exhibits. I was annoyed a little at this because I had so little time but also fascinated by much of what I saw and resolved to go back next time I am in London.
The women writers all wrote so much and so well. I felt dwarfed. How does one continue to write when confronted by great ability and success.
I bought four postcards. One of Beatrice Potter who looks like the detective Miss Marple as played by Margaret Rutherford. One of Dorothy Hoskins of whom I know nothing but guess from the portrait that she was a writer as she is surrounded by books and papers. She looks like someone I would have liked to have known. One of Oscar Wild because I admire his wit and writing ability and anyone who dares to be different. The last of the four is of Sinead O'Connor who was adored by my best friend who died aged 42. She is incredibly beautiful. How many faces would survive without hair. Being completely bald seems to emphasise her beauty. She sits on my music stand on my piano and only noticed yesterday that she has her hands over her ears. Perhaps she moved them there when I began to play.
It was lovely meeting my friends in the flesh as we usually have to make do with texts, e-mailsand phone calls. And guess what we sometimes write letters.

still continuing

We went to see Benjamin Brittain's opera Owen Wingrave which couldn't have been more different to Menopause the Musical. The opera's message was peace as was discussed in the pre-perfomance discussion. I enjoyed the discussion more than the opera. So two subjects close to my heart women and peace. I wonder which was more successful in delivering its message.
I forgot to mention that another reason for going to London was to do research for a short story that I am writing which will also possibly be the last chapter of my auto-biography. I wanted to visit the Royal Opera House so this killed to birds with one stone so to speak. Their must be a better way of saying that. I would never want to kill one bird never mind two at once. Anyway, I really wanted to see the main theatre but as Owen Wingrave was being performed in the small theatre I had to make do with buting a fold-out card board model. What I really want to do is to reserve a box. Someday maybe one can dream.

to continue

My granddaughter's flat is great. she can see the Cutty Sark from her window. I am so proud of her. She and her partener have done well through hard work. what a great place to live for young people. I think tyhe things I miss most here in Brittany are the theatre and cinema.
Which brings me to what else I did in London. We (my boyfriend of 25 years who still lives in England came for a few days) went to see Menopause the Musical which was great fun. No in answer to the crits in the daily papers it wasn't top West End standard but it was trul uplifting for me and judging by the response of the rest of the audience for them too. More importantly and to quote Jenny Linders the shows creater it was not just about entertainment (but I thought it was emensly entertaining) it was about women. Secondly it makes links to charities and organisations which endeavour to help and inform women. For more info. log onto www.menopausethemusical.com

To continue

I posted that to check that I hadn't lost it because on my last blog oftenwhen I wrote a post it disappeared which is quite annoying and contributes to the madness making effect of computers. Anyway back to London.
The weather was superb but the pollution was horrendous. I did not stop coughing the whole time, almost choking on occasions. I loved Greenich market in fact I could live in Greenwich if it wasn't for the pollution.
The AGM was enlightening and traumatic as always. The organisation is made up of women who had their babies taken away from them for adoption. I think there may be a few fathers but very few. Five women told their stories which were all tragic and heart rending, the whole audience of course empathising and sobbing. NPN has to change because adoption and attitudes to adoption are changing. We were shown what it is like today for women who lose their children. We also heard about the difficulties for people wishing to adopt. Anyone interested to find out more about NPN or indeed NORCAP(who support adults affected by adoption) can check out these websites. www.n-p-n.co.uk and www.norcap.org.uk

Update

First of all I want to record the last few weeks. I went to London at the beginning of May. I went partly to see my Granddaughter's new flat and new cats. (cat talk may become boring to people who don't like cats) I went also to attend the AGM of an organisation called NPN (Natural Parents Network) and I will write more of that later. Lastly I went to bring back this laptop which I bought from my son. If you ever read my old blog then you will know the effect that computers have on me and indeed what happened to my old laptop.

Success at Last

This seems to be working at last but I can't see how to connect to other blogs like I could last time. For example I could find other bloggers in Brittany.
anyway since I have been working really hard in my garden for the past three or four days I must get an early night and hopefully continue blogging.

First Post

I hope not the last post as I had so much trouble with my last blog that I gave up and created a new one